Knowledge.

How do you know if something is right? How do you know that the voice in your head is Heavenly Father's and not your own, or worse, Satan's? I've been dating this new boy for a few weeks now and I've been trying to decide if I want to keep seeing him. He's sweet, cute and we have fun together. But then I start to wonder if I should really be dating him. So, I pray and pray and I sometimes feel like I'm not getting any answers.

A few weeks ago, my initial questions were answered in the perfect way. A speaker at one of the BYU devotionals said, "Heavenly Father will always speak in your mind in "I knows" and Satan will put the "What if" questions in your head. I had never thought about personal revelation in that way. Heavenly Father speaks in "I know".

So for those of you wondering (cause I know you are), here's what I know about that boy. I know: he is kind...sometimes, he attends church, he likes that I can cook...and thinks it's just something women do, he doesn't have any sisters, he thinks his mother is wonderful because she places everyone else's needs before her own, and he made me roll in a mud puddle because I lost at cards (which was very degrading - he stood and took pictures), at times he makes me feel like I owe him, I know that he doesn't make me feel like a princess, every time we hang out I feel like I should be dating other people, and lastly, I know that we're going to be just friends. :) Hope he feels like rolling in that puddle of disappointment.

Here's something else I know. I know that dating him has helped me grow. I learned that I know how to have fun on a date. I learned that if I stop worrying about myself I can put the boy at ease. I also learned that, I'm a catch! And I'm not trying to be arrogant. Any guy who doesn't want to date me is crazy because I'm fun and giving. I will make a wonderful wife and mother. I learned that even though I may not be the most beautiful or the most talented woman in the world it doesn't matter because I am unique and talented in my own way. But most importantly I'm a catch because I know how to grow and take criticism and I want to improve.

And lastly, I know that my Heavenly Father and Savior loves me. I know this because I felt so useless 4 weeks ago. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone. I felt that I was useless. He knew that I needed a positive dating experience. He knows me. He knows what I need. This is why he speaks in, "I know". He understands that I need the knowledge he has. I need his guidance and he gives it because he loves me. With his help I am beautiful and worthwhile. With his love I am improved. With him, I am enough.

People.

It's funny how quickly life passes and yet how long it can seem. This summer has just flown by for me. Life is flying by and it seems like the only way I register the passing of time is by the people that come into my life.

As a child there were my parents, my siblings, my next door neighbors, and of course Carissa. In my preteens there was Molly and Carissa. In high school there was the rediculous string of boys (no boyfriends, just a string of them) and Carissa, Jodi Tory, and various other somewhat forgettable friends. As I progressed into college, again the string of boys, Kylie, Brittany, Delano, Kevi, and of course Carissa. Now at BYU there were my RA peoples, Julia, Bethanie and always my Carissa and my family. This summer there were the office people and the sales reps, and Stacey. I've been so very lucky to have met all these wonderful people. Each one comes into my life, and some eventually leave. I think the ones who stay until one of us "goes the way of all the earth" those are the ones I want with me forever. My family and Carissa.

Amusingly enough, even amongst all the people in my life they can be broken down into classes of importance. Ones who will stay, those who will go. Ones who will stay: friends, family, (hopefully a husband one day). Those who will go include: work people, passing friends, volunteer people, doctors, ex-boyfriends/one timers/etc. Yet, despite the fact that some will be around forever and some will only flash across my "life screen" each one seems to have affected me for life. Those one time boys, each one taught me something. Sometimes the lesson was the same, but I apparently needed to learn it twice. It's strange how often I meet new people, and yet each new person has something else to teach me. Each is so unique and perfect in their own way. I think I'll try to be kinder to the people I meet in passing, because if the people I've passed have affected me negatively or positively then I want all my passing impressions on people to be positive ones. I want them to look back on the fleeting moment they knew me (even if they only knew me as a driver on the road) and feel positive towards me.

Sometimes that may mean that I won't be remembered at all, but that's ok. The people that matter most will remember me. My Grandpa's death taught me that. The people who love you can never forget you, even after you're gone. Somedays I still wake up and hear him and in that moment he hasn't died. In the next moment, it's as if he died all over again. No, the ones I love will never forget me. The momories I lived with them will never die. People are what's important in life, and the memories they help create.

Rest in Peace Ray Bradshaw, you'll live on forever in me and through Christ.

Time.

How does anyone ever find the time to do anything great? We're all so busy doing the mundane. I wake up with lofty goals in my mind. I'm prepared to do great things with my day, and then boom! I must call this doctor, I must pay this bill, I must complete this assignment. Is it possible that merely completing the mundane and still finding a smile on your face is a great accomplishment?

What of people like Martin Luther King Jr.? How did he find the time to provide for himself and still do all that he did? Is it possible that we worry too much about things that don't matter? How much of our time in a day is taken up by unnecessary worries? I few days ago I read an article about a man who lived in a tiny little house that was as big as most peoples' bedroom. And he said that he had never been happier. The way that he had learned to conserve space was inspiring. His electric bill was $36 a year! Astounding! My bill is 2 times that in a month! Why can't we all be happy with less like this man? Why must we always wish for more? I'm sick of the clutter and the junk in my life. I don't want more, I just want enough.

But now, what is enough? We spend all our time (which is the most precious commodity) working to get more. But more what? What is truly important? The time we spend with those we love. So we work to get more junk that clutters up our lives and we then must spend our time cleaning up and de-junking our life. It really is a wonder that any of us ever find the time to enjoy ourselves at all. I've decided to be satisfied with less this coming year. I want everything to be organized and minimilistic. Simple. To live simply is to be happy. I want my time to be spent on the important things.

Pride.

Pride. Good or bad? I sometimes wonder. The pride that makes a person do their job well, this seems a good thing. The pride that prevents a person from saying I'm sorry? Probably not so good.

Does Heavenly Father feel pride? I'm often proud of my family. My sister Mellinee is a beautiful, successful woman who graduated at the top of her piloting class and she is now a pilot of small bush planes. I was so happy and proud when she recieved her license! She worked so long and hard for it. My brother Chad is going back to school with a wife and two children! I can't even imagine going to school with two children. I'm proud of him for that. Or when I'm at his house and he is kind to his son when Kaleb disobeys. My sister Connie has a degree but she chooses to stay at home with her two sweet babies. She has so much patience. She's an example to me in so many ways. My brother Troy didn't care what people said, he came home from his mission and got married without finishing school. People said he was an idiot but he did what he thought was best. I'm not sure I would be able to do that. I'm proud of him basing his decisions on what he believes is best. Does Heavenly Father feel this type of pride? I know that He counsels against pride. Does this count? Is it wicked to look at my family and be proud of the people that they are?

If it is pride, then I wonder, if I refuse to give up this one sin, will I be denied the joys of heaven? And lastly...is it weird that I think about this sorta thing so much? :)

And so it begins.

ALASKA

I don't know why really. I just all of a sudden decided I wanted to have a place to ramble...about nothing really. It's not like I really have anything overly important to say. But at the same time I believe that everyone says at least one truly profound thing in their lives.

I suppose I should start by explaining the title of the blog. I'm not really lost, but neither am I home. I know where it is and I know how to get back to that beloved, frozen, rainforest, but it stays just out of my reach. It's funny, but as a child I hated Alaska and only wanted to get out. Now that I'm out I keep trying to get back or to find places that somehow remind me of home. Colorado reminds me a little of it. But it smells different. Alaska smells moist and friendly. Colorado smells of a desert with trees and exhaust. Colorado is very similar to Flagstaff. Utah is the place that has fit the best. I'll be happy to go back there for school this fall, but even more delighted to return to Alaska for Christmas. (I'm crossing my fingers it will happen).

It's funny how much the state you call home means to you.